happy the new year


concussion, i think

yesterday woke up in hallway, laying on back and giant head-lump growing, no memory of getting there

head still achey today and feeling wobble, but no vomit; tried to just not move and have been mostly asleep entire time since then (with careful-laying-awkward to avoid head’s lumpy bit

it’s terrifying thing, such. somehow not like waking up from dreaming, have a feeling that there shouldn’t be a gap, and legs are twitching like they’re walking on air and everything is hurting, turns into a panic try to situate. still not sure what happened

a couple of days before was mri, check to see if some these symptoms could be brain issue or so. it’s bizarre feeling, look inside of one’s own brain, like wow, that thing is really there. known some neuroscientists and can see how easy it is to get hooked that stuff; kind of want to give a try as well, but am no good for memorising biochem, have found from watching biomed uni-lectures and reading books these past years, so would have to make it cogsci instead and be a hand-wavey person. and then go back to school is so much money…

intimidating experience, though, get all naked and stick head in this machine, bump up against a holder bit on top, then add some stabilising cushions either side, then another cloth goes over eyes and supports to either arm and then a bit to raise up knees maybe for bloodflow, and it’s all supposed to hold you there in place, but i was too tall for the positioning of knees bit and had to keep legs tensed the entire time to try not move, and then the room was SO COLD and trying not to shiver violently, and careful-time of swallow-spit so when it makes my whole body shift significantly swallowing is between the brapbrapbrapbrapbrap and dzzzzzzzzzzzz and aeeoouuuu aeeoouuuu aeeoouuuu noises during bits of lull. was shaking and almost fell after as well, but small girl catches me, kind girl says “where are you from?” and same “are you german” guess, suppose my “native meriken accent” is really a mess by now, becomes a regular question w

ah well, but doesn’t look to be tumour, though; can maybe say that’s good ┐('~`;)┌

song of the day:

Gregory and the Hawk - Spit